Who Gains Weight When Fasting?
When I was in high school, one of my friends was Muslim, and she explained to me that Muslims fast for an entire month during Ramadan. I flat out did not believe her. No food or water for a month sounded to me like a really good way to kill off your followers. Of course, I finally learned that the fasting only lasts while the sun is up, and at night there are feasts and lots of socializing. This leads to the funny phenomenon that most people, I am told, actually gain weight during their month of fasting!
A couple hours before dawn drummers march through the streets waking everyone up so that they can eat breakfast before sunrise. No doubt this was very helpful prior to the advent of the alarm clock, but now its just annoying. Who needs two hours to eat breakfast? Apparently I am not alone in holding this attitude because it turns out that in my neighborhood there is actually an ordinance outlawing the drumming. Yay! Actually, in Istanbul it now only happens in the more religious neighborhoods.
One friend estimated that only about 50% of people in Istanbul fast. But many others pretend to fast. They eat and drink discretely, when no one is looking. Of course, part of this is probably just politeness, after all a great way to make enemies is to eat in front of someone who can’t even take a sip of water. If you work in a company that is known to be religiously observant, its also just good office politics to seem devout. Ramadan is also the grumpiest month of the year. Even people who are not fasting use it as an excuse to be disagreeable and unproductive, kind of like when people are so stressed out by Christmas that they trample other shoppers. The world is a funny place.
When Intolerance is Good
Here we are in mid-summer. It’s hot and humid and as good a time as any to get fed up with the circumstances of our lives and make a change.
We get what we are willing to tolerate – not what we deserve, not what we were born into, not what fate gives us. We get what we are willing to tolerate. If we are willing to endure a lousy work environment, or bad relationships, or a schedule that is too busy for exercise, then that is what we will get. One of my favorite coaches describes the difference between coaching and therapy as “therapy helps people to tolerate the circumstances of their lives while coaching helps people to see circumstances as intolerable.” On first glance that may not sound too appealing, but basically it is saying that coaching works with people to get to the point where they are committed to making a change. Many employers and managers go for years tolerating a bad employee, a dysfunctional work team, a carer that is not in alignment with what they really want. Why do some people find high paying jobs, good relationships, or have trustworthy friends while others do not? I’m not discounting luck. That does contribute of course, but if there is a pattern — if the same type of people or the same situation recurs over and over again — it is because you permit it to continue.
How do you get to the point where you are no longer willing to abide a situation that has become normal? Consider that what enables us to tolerate lousy circumstances is that we don’t allow ourselves to really feel the impacts. How does the situation impact your mental health, physical body, your personal vitality, your family, etc? Generally people are not willing to really look at such things. Instead, human beings tend to deal with undesirable situations by making ourselves numb. How many people drink too much, or watch too much T.V., or eat too much, or work all the time to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings? The methods of avoidance may vary, but almost everyone does this to some extent.
Sometime people think that they are dealing with the impacts because they are discussing it with friends. This begs the question, “when does talking help to move you forward?” There is a difference between processing a situation and complaining about it. Processing helps you sort through your thoughts and feelings and helps you to reach a new level of acceptance or a new plan of action. Complaining just keeps you stuck in the same place and solidifies your identity as a person who has XYZ problem in their life. Processing and complaining may look similar to a casual observer but if you look at your intention in having the conversation, and the result that emerges from the conversation, you can see the difference. This is my quick test for whether you are complaining or processing: Have you had the same conversation with more than two people without any new insight? If the answer is yes, you are complaining. If the answer is no, keep going and eventually you will find a way forward. Of course talking with a coach will speed up that process even more…
Peaceful Productivity
- Do you feel like you are always busy but not getting enough done?
- Are there any important tasks that get delayed again and again?
- Do you have major projects which you would like to tackle if you could only catch up on your current obligations?
I am offering a five week course designed to boost productivity while reducing stress. It is one hour per week for five weeks. Attending a workshop via conference call or virtual classroom is a new concept for many people. So I am offering the first session of the series for FREE.
The final Peaceful Productivity session of the year will be conducted on Tuesdays at 12:00 noon Eastern (19:00 p.m. Istanbul Time)
Session 1 — October 18
Session 2 — November 1
Session 3 — November 15
Session 4 — November 29
Session 5 — December 13
For more information or to register click here for Istanbul and here for U.S.
Kick’em to the Curb: When to Dump Bad Clients
This article focuses on business relationships, but really the same exercise is applicable for friendships, romantic relationships, etc. Just think of the “bottom line” as your happiness, contentment and achievement of your life goals. The only place where I do NOT recommend using this approach is for evaluating close relatives and spouses.
You are busy. You don’t have time to waste on people (and businesses) that don’t add significant value to your bottom line. Do you have trouble making enough time for all your clients AND marketing? Are you having trouble deciding for which potential new clients you should offer special discounts? Then this exercise is perfect for you. This month I am introducing a quick trick to help you decide which of your clients you should “kick to the curb.”
Whether you have a one-person business or are running a multinational services firm, you probably have some clients that are more trouble than they are worth. They don’t pay enough, or don’t pay on time. They are constantly demanding more of your time and generally being a pain in the neck. Especially in a less-than-booming economy companies are hesitant to “fire” their clients. So, let me ask you this. It is now June, almost half way through the year, is your business on track to meet its 2011 financial goals? If so, congratulations! You rock, and your coach must be very proud. If not, you are probably still fabulously awesome, but take five minutes to try this exercise. Or don’t, it’s up to you. If you are fine with profits, costs and moral continuing the way they have been, thanks for reading thus far, and I’ll see you next month.
First, make a list of the qualities that make an ideal client. This is subjective. There is no right answer, but a sample list might look something like this:
- Pays on time
- The fee for my services is satisfactory
- Doing business with this company will increase my visibility, credibility, etc.
- The client is in my preferred niche (i.e. lawyers, energy sector, etc.)
- Our personalities work well together
- The majority of the actual work can be delegated to my staff
Next, make a chart and rate your best three clients on a scale of one to five, assessing how well each of them meets this criteria. Then rate three of your least favorite clients. See the chart below as an example.
Once you have created your own chart you will start to see patterns. This is a simple but multifaceted tool. When I work with clients we may use this to create some long-term business development goals, identify areas for individual and organizational development, design a simple system for deciding which clients to accept and under what conditions, etc. Even without a coach, you should be able to use this to clarify priorities, figure out which areas require improved communication, and simply determine which clients you are better off without. While this tool is designed for insight, of course the real results don’t come without action. If you have created a chart and next steps are unclear, or if actually moving forward seems challenging, give me a call and I’ll help you sort it out.
Do I Really Look Turkish?
American friends often comment, “You must really stand out in Istanbul.” Actually, I don’t. When I came here as a tourist, everyone spoke to me in English and I assumed that it was obvious from my appearance that I am foreign. Once I started living here and knew my way around, that changed. As long as I don’t do anything too blatantly foreign, like carry a backpack, wear sandals or walk around with wet hair, people assume that I am a local. Turks approach me all the time and ask me for directions, try to hand me political pamphlets or make off-handed comments about the rude person in front of us in line. It turns out that I look Turkish, or at least can pass as Turkish. Of course, once I open my mouth the illusion is ruined. It turns out that there is a lot of variety in people’s appearance here, especially in Istanbul. Some have light hair, even red hair, and many many more dye their hair. A surprising number have “colored eyes.” I lived in Japan and Thailand and have traveled throughout Asia, places where I would NEVER be mistaken for a local. So I really appreciate having the best of both worlds. I get the advantages of being of foreigner, but I can walk down the street without attracting too much attention.
Happiness – Part One
On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you? Some of us don’t even pursue happiness because it either seems too far out of reach or it seems trivial, not worthy of our time and energy. But is that true? Enjoyment generally accelerates productivity and improves the quality of human connection. When we are genuinely happy we are less stressed, more pleasant to be around and respond more effectively to daily frustrations and unexpected challenges.
As grown-ups, we tend to focus on being mature and responsible. Sometimes just surviving one’s life can feel challenging, and so actual happiness isn’t even on the radar. Some of us even think happy people are shallow and stupid, and we wouldn’t want to be like THAT. To be clear, I am not talking about that feeling you get when you eat a good meal or see a good movie or win the lottery. I’m talking about the deep joy and serenity associated with true long-term happiness, the mental state that helps us see circumstances in a more positive light and function better.
In any endeavor there are certain elements that need to be present for it to succeed. In a work project, for example, there needs to be a clear goal, a vision, incentives, buy-in from employees, etc. If you are planting a seed you need water, sun and soil. If you don’t have water, all the sun and soil in the world won’t produce a plant. Happiness is similar. There are a gazillion ways to approach the issue of happiness, but these are the basic categories that need to be addressed.
Relationship with Self — Many of us do not spend any time on this. We are either too busy or so uncomfortable with ourselves that we avoid being alone. Basic well-being also falls in this category. You wouldn’t have a good emotional connection with someone if you treated them badly, viewed them as your last priority, or constantly berated them for errors. The same applies for your relationship with yourself.
Relationship with Others — This includes having people to love, making time for those people, and being able to express yourself openly and honestly.
Relationship with God/the Universe – Regardless of religious beliefs, or lack thereof, we all need a sense of connection with something bigger than ourselves. Prayer, meditation, practicing gratitude, writing poetry, admiring art, and many other activities may help us to connect with our humanity, the universe, etc.
Integrity — There are many definitions of integrity, but the one I like is “having your words, actions and intentions aligned.” There is no judgment here. The only inquiry is about what supports you in achieving your goals. I include in this category everything from keeping your word, to planing your day, to pursuing goals that are in alignment with your values and strengths.
A couple years ago I noticed that I was experiencing a whole new level of joy and satisfaction. So one day I sat down and made a list of the actions I was taking and mental practices I was engaged in that made this level of happiness possible. When I feel myself getting off track I look at the list and start addressing one of those areas. I’ll share my list with you next time. Of course, everyone is a little different. I invite you to think about what actions YOU could take in each of these areas to boost your own happiness level.
Islam and Alcohol
Although Turkey is a Muslim country, the national drink is alcoholic. It’s called raki and is licorice-flavored. From what I have seen, pretty much everyone here drinks alcohol. This may not be true in the countryside or in the more religious areas of cities, but at least in Istanbul there does not appear to be any sort of stigma against it. In fact, one friend of mine worked at a university which was so committed to being secular that at staff parties the dean would walk around checking people’s glasses to ensure that everyone was drinking alcohol. This led to the bizarre situation where some staff members would pretend to drink mixed drinks while actually drinking straight cherry juice. However, Islam does appear to have a moderating influence on alcohol consumption. While people drink, it is rarely to excess, and alcoholism is definitely frowned upon. The laws are also very strict about drinking and driving. In Istanbul, there are frequent alcohol checkpoints at night, and if you are caught drinking and driving, even once, they take away your license for a year.
Calculated Risk or Foolishness?
Very often “brilliance” is really just a risk that turned out well. If a situation ends badly does that mean pursuing that avenue was foolish? After coaching people for more than a decade, this is my two cents on the subject. The difference between a calculated risk and foolishness is that a risk is something that you feel you must do in order to be true to yourself. It is not always easy to determine, but this is a very different inquiry from evaluating what is objectively the best, smartest, or most sensible choice. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that robbing a bank is not something that anyone does to be true to themselves. With most life choices, however, it is a subjective, personal determination. I decided to move to Istanbul. For some people it might be foolishness. For me it was a calculated risk.
Should you start a new business? Want to quit your job and pursue a writing career? Considering blowing the whistle on illegal or immoral activity in your office? Should you marry your partner (or divorce your spouse)? I talk to people all the time who are fighting with themselves over whether or not to take a risk. How do you know when you are being true to yourself versus when social pressure, fear or bad habits are running the show? You can tell the difference by listening to your body. When you think about taking that leap, do you feel energized? Do you have a sinking sensation? Sometimes we fool our brains into wanting the socially sanctioned, or “sensible” thing, but our bodies always know what is right for us. This is why major life decisions should be made at a gut level. We can rationalize the decision afterward—and check in with ourselves to make sure we are not doing something disastrously stupid. However, if your main reason for starting a business, moving to a new location, or getting married is essentially because you deeply, truly, consistently WANT it, and NEED to do this thing to feel fully alive, then it is probably in keeping with your most authentic self.
Sometimes people think that, as a coach, I tell people what to do. That is not the case. I help individuals determine what is right for themselves. Of course, this article barely scratches the surface of a complicated and subtle subject. How do you evaluate and address those objections floating around in your head (and out the mouths of your friends and family)? What degree of change is best for you? Should you quit your job and open a pottery studio or just take an art class? Once you have made your decision, how do you get your friends, family or colleagues on board? Sorting through this alone can be daunting. If you are at a crossroads and have been unable to determine which way to go, send me an email. I will help you figure out what is right for you!
Will Turkey Explode Too?
I have been getting messages from people concerned about my safety, given the protests and violence in Egypt, Tunisia, etc. So this seems like a good time to explain why Turkey is different. Turkish democracy is not perfect but it is a real democracy – unlike those other places which have been living under dictatorships. Conservatives are in power, which does cause concern among liberals within Turkey and observers from outside the country. (Arguably, this is not so different from the Bush years in the U.S.) The concept of a secular democracy is well established in Turkey, not just in the cities, but in the countryside as well. Turkey does not have as much freedom of speech as we do in the West, and around election times the governing parties tend to do things like giving refrigerators to poor voters. However, citizens do have genuine choice in elections and their votes do count. Even more importantly, upward mobility is very possible for people who work hard here. In Turkey, plenty of successful people come from poor families, whereas this is MUCH more difficult in places like Egypt and Tunisia. Finally, although Turkey is a Muslim country, it is not an Arab country, and for that reason most people here don’t particularly identify with Arabs. I have seen no indication that the violence currently erupting in middle eastern countries will spread to Turkey.
What Would Superman Do?
Has that post-New Years malaise set in yet? You know, I’m referring to that time period when the initial energy has worn off and that resolution starts to feel more burdensome than inspiring. Rather than just getting resigned or angry with yourself, do what a superhero would do. Look for an antidote. Like so many things, the antidote for the New Year’s blahs is simple but not always easy. The key is to focus on revising how you think about yourself rather than focusing on changing behavior. Human beings resist change. When you think “I am a lazy person who never exercises, but I will try to change” it is like you just put a huge mountain in front of yourself. You are reinforcing the idea of yourself as lazy and yet fighting it at the same time. We have all done this at one time or another; it is exhausting and generally ineffective.
Since our self-concept determines our actions, if you want to alter a behavior the best approach is to shift your vision of yourself. For example, if you have been trying to delegate more effectively, practice thinking about yourself as a person who is already good at this. You may be saying, “but I can’t lie to myself.” If I tell myself that I am good at something when I am not, that is self-delusion. True. It is important to be clear about the facts, about what you have and have not been doing. However, words like “bad,” “lazy” or “a lot” are not facts. They are interpretations, and there are always multiple interpretations of any situation.
If you are holding a negative belief about yourself, for example, “I am disorganized,” how can you tell if that belief is a fact or just one interpretation? This is the test I recommend. Ask yourself if there is anyone in the world who might disagree with the statement? This includes your mother and your best friend. If any reasonably sane person might disagree with the statement then it is not a fact, and as such it is possible to create a new, more helpful, interpretation, i.e. “I am already well-organized and efficient.” Look for at least three pieces of evidence to support this statement. For example, maybe you can always find documents in your computer files, or maybe you have a good paper filing system, or perhaps you manage your calendar well. Now put aside all the “buts,” “but I lost my keys last week,” “but my desk is messy,” etc. There will always be arguments on the other side. This is a matter of making a deliberate choice about how to see yourself. People usually live up to the expectations of others, but they always live up to their beliefs about themselves. Once you do the mental work, the rest follows easily. Kryptonite may look cooler on screen, but I promise you this antidote really works.
As with many aspects of self-development, this may be easier said than done. If you would like support with this process, give me a call. I do sample sessions by phone and would be happy to help you sort this out.
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