When Intolerance is Good

Here we are in mid-summer.  It’s hot and humid and as good a time as any to get fed up with the circumstances of our lives and make a change. We get what we are willing to tolerate - not what we deserve, not what we were born into, not what fate gives us.  We get what we are willing to tolerate.  If we are willing to endure a lousy work environment, or bad relationships, or a schedule that is too busy for exercise, then that is what we will get.  One of my favorite coaches describes the difference between coaching and therapy as “therapy helps people to tolerate the circumstances of their lives while coaching helps people to see circumstances as intolerable.” On first glance that may not sound too appealing, but basically it is saying that coaching works with people to get to the point where they are committed to making a change.  Many employers and managers go for years tolerating a bad employee, a dysfunctional work team, a carer that is not in alignment with what they really want.  Why do some people find high paying jobs, good relationships, or have trustworthy friends while others do not?  I’m not discounting luck.  That does contribute, of course. Yet, if there is a pattern -- if the same type of people or the same situation recurs over and over again -- it is because you permit it to continue.

How do you get to the point where you are no longer willing to abide a situation that has become normal?  Consider that what enables us to tolerate lousy circumstances is that we don’t allow ourselves to really feel the impacts.  How does the situation affect your mental health, physical body, your personal vitality, your family, etc?  Generally people are not willing to really look at such things.  Instead, human beings tend to deal with undesirable situations by making ourselves numb. How many people drink too much, or watch too much T.V., or eat too much, or work all the time to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings?  The methods of avoidance may vary, but almost everyone does this to some extent.

Sometime people think that they are dealing with the impacts because they are discussing it with friends.  This begs the question, “when does talking help to move you forward?”  There is a difference between processing a situation and complaining about it.  Processing helps you sort through your thoughts and feelings and helps you to reach a new level of acceptance or a new plan of action.  Complaining just keeps you stuck in the same place and solidifies your identity as a person who has XYZ problem in their life.  Processing and complaining may look similar to a casual observer; but if you look at your intention in having the conversation, and the result that emerges from the conversation, you can see the difference.  This is my quick test for whether you are complaining or processing:  Have you had the same conversation with more than two people without any new insight or forward movement?  If the answer is yes, you are complaining. If the answer is no, keep going and eventually you will find a way forward.  Of course talking with a coach will speed up that process even more...