Managing Your Emotions Before a Difficult Workplace Conversation
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Law firm life is almost universally challenging. With the long hours, stressed out colleagues and demanding clients, it is no wonder that office relationships can get snippy or even devolve into deep resentments and antipathy. Most people feel deeply uncomfortable having difficult conversations with colleagues, and yet these conversations are often the key to clarifying misunderstandings, creating healthy boundaries and creating a sustainable and healthy workplace. I will be posting a series of articles related to having difficult conversations. This first one is focused on managing one's emotions as a key ingredient to having such conversations effectively.
Addressing sensitive topics—such as performance issues, interpersonal conflicts, or diversity and inclusion concerns—can be emotionally charged. Without proper preparation, emotions like frustration, anxiety, or defensiveness can derail the discussion, making it less productive. Managing your emotions before a difficult conversation is crucial for ensuring a constructive dialogue and increasing the likelihood of a positive outcome. Here are key strategies to help you regulate your emotions and enter the conversation with clarity and confidence.
1. Acknowledge and Understand Your Emotions
Before initiating a difficult conversation with a colleague, partner, or client, take time to assess what you’re feeling and why.
Identify Your Emotions – Are you frustrated because a senior partner takes credit for your work? Annoyed that an associate consistently misses deadlines? Feeling unappreciated for your contributions? Naming your emotions helps you process them rationally.
Determine the Root Cause – Are you reacting to a single incident, or is this a pattern? Is the issue about the other person’s behavior, or is it about your expectations?
Separate Facts from Feelings – While emotions are valid, they can sometimes distort reality. For example, instead of thinking, "My colleague never respects me," reframe it as, "I felt disrespected when my colleague interrupted me in the meeting."
By acknowledging your emotions and clarifying their source, you reduce the risk of reacting impulsively during the conversation.
2. Shift Your Perspective
It’s easy to focus on your own frustrations, but understanding the other person’s viewpoint can lead to a more productive conversation.
Practice Empathy – Consider what pressures the other person might be facing. Is a partner dismissive because they are overwhelmed? Is an associate underperforming due to burnout?
Assume Positive Intent – Instead of assuming that a colleague is deliberately undermining you, consider that they may be unaware of the impact of their actions.
Reframe the Conversation – Rather than viewing it as a confrontation, approach it as a problem-solving discussion that benefits both parties.
For example, if a partner consistently emails you late at night, instead of saying, "I can’t keep working around the clock," try, "I want to give my best work, and I’m most effective when I have time to recharge. Would you be open to discussing a workflow that allows for that?"
3. Regulate Your Nervous System
High-stakes conversations—especially in a high-pressure environment like a law firm—can trigger stress responses that make it difficult to think clearly and stay composed.
Deep Breathing – Before the conversation, take slow, deep breaths to calm your nervous system. A simple technique: inhale for four seconds, hold for four, and exhale for six.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation – If you feel physically tense, try tensing and releasing different muscle groups to ease stress.
Mindfulness Techniques – Even a few minutes of meditation can help center your thoughts and reduce anxiety before a conversation.
Staying physically and mentally composed allows you to engage in the discussion with confidence and clarity.
4. Clarify Your Goals and Expectations
A major source of emotional distress before a conversation is uncertainty. Taking time to define what you want from the discussion can help you feel more grounded.
Set a Clear Intention – Are you looking to resolve a conflict with a colleague, set better boundaries with a demanding partner, or get credit for your work? Being clear about your goal will help guide the conversation.
Be Realistic – You can’t control how the other person reacts. Instead of expecting immediate agreement or a perfect resolution, focus on making progress.
Plan for Different Responses – Consider how the other person might react—defensiveness, denial, frustration, or willingness to change—and prepare yourself emotionally for each possibility.
For example, if you're addressing a colleague who keeps delegating work at the last minute, prepare for responses like, "I didn’t realize it was an issue," or "That’s just how things work around here." This will help you stay composed instead of reacting emotionally.
5. Prepare What You Want to Say
A poorly structured conversation can easily derail into emotional exchanges rather than solutions. Preparing your message in advance will help you stay focused.
Write Down Your Key Points – Jot down what you want to say and the outcome you hope to achieve.
Use "I" Statements – Instead of blaming, focus on your own experience: "I feel frustrated when deadlines aren’t met because it impacts my ability to meet client expectations."
Practice Out Loud – Saying your points out loud—either alone or with a trusted colleague—can help you feel more confident and composed.
Preparation ensures that your message is clear, professional, and solution-oriented.
6. Have a Plan for Self-Regulation During the Conversation
Even with preparation, emotions may still arise during the discussion. Having strategies in place will help you stay in control.
Pause Before Reacting – If the conversation becomes heated, take a breath before responding to avoid impulsive remarks.
Monitor Your Body Language – Maintain an open posture, avoid crossing your arms, and keep your tone measured.
Redirect the Conversation if Necessary – If emotions start escalating, acknowledge it and refocus: "I want to make sure this conversation is productive—let’s take a moment and reset."
Staying composed will help keep the discussion professional and constructive.
7. Reflect and Adjust After the Conversation
Regardless of how the conversation goes, take time afterward to process and learn from the experience.
Acknowledge What Went Well – Even if it wasn’t perfect, recognize any progress made.
Identify Lessons for the Future – Reflect on what worked, what didn’t, and what you might do differently next time.
Engage in Self-Care – Difficult conversations can be draining. Take time to decompress, whether that means going for a walk, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend.
Final Thoughts
Managing emotions before a difficult workplace conversation is essential for maintaining professionalism, fostering better relationships, and achieving productive outcomes. By acknowledging your feelings, shifting your perspective, regulating stress, and preparing thoughtfully, you can approach these conversations with confidence and clarity. While difficult conversations are never easy, with the right mindset and strategies, they can lead to meaningful improvements in workplace dynamics and a more collaborative law firm environment.